Tumblewords

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Saturday, February 14, 2009

Eat Your Heart Out, Ms. Sommers

Disclaimer: Sports, not so much. Exercise, a little.


Dancing unclad on a beach with a gorgeous guy and shaded by the waving shadows of palm trees when feral cats under my bedroom window awakened me in the middle night, I spent two hours trying to return to the sand man.


Lured by the tube’s narcotic effect, I surfed 'til a woman flaunting impeccable pecs, six pack gut, buns of steel and bleached teeth smack in the middle of an airbrushed face and herbally colored hair explained that a small investment of principal plus a dutiful amount of interest would guarantee my body to be cloned in her image. There was no sleep for me now.

Flinging myself from bed, I stood in front of the full-length mirror to fluff, preen and peer to see if I resembled the beach dancer from my dreams. Aaargh. There was, however, something I could do. I threw on a nightgown, stomped down the hall, out the front door, into the garage to drag the stationary bike from the designated Goodwill pick-up area back to my bedroom.

It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. It was, after all, a stationary bike. Breathless by the time the bike’s skid marks were planted beside my bed, I vowed to climb on board at first light and pedal my thighs into shape, my stomach pouch into oblivion. When next I nudely met my knight on a secluded tropical beach, he would be entranced, enthralled and I would have mail.

***

At dawn, I recalled my middle night promises. Aaarggh. So the TV lady was forever young, forever beautiful. Nothing to do with real life, was she? On the off chance...

I forced my body upright, mounted the bike to begin my new regime. I started slowly, then increased speed until I imagined myself racing down the narrow roads of high France while residents came from streetside homes to toss bouquets, offer cups of Perrier and compliments. Faster, faster, until...

The pedals locked tight. My neck froze in pain resembling a butcher knife in the carotid. My right shoulder was yanked to waist level. I tried to get off the bike. Paralysis was a definite possibility...

There must be similarities between getting your sock caught in the escalator and your nightgown caught in a stationary bike belt. The best difference is that no one watched me tip the bike onto my waterbed and extricate myself from said nightgown. No one laughed.

And that’s how it was the day I willfully exercised.



Thanks to Sunday Scribblings for the prompt: Sports.


♥***♥***♥

30 comments:

Pretty Me!! said...

had such a gr8 laugh !!

Anonymous said...

oh, thaz good, very good.... one of the first short stories you've posted... and oh, so funny...

Linda Jacobs said...

Oh, this is a riot! I felt like I was reading about myself! We even have a waterbed, too! Loved it!

swallowtail said...

THAT is a fabulous Valentine! xoxo

present said...

The promises we make in the middle of the night!! Ha! The image of you dragging the stationary bike down the hall and then trying to fufill your commitment as your nightgown thwarts your aspirations of airbrushed beauty. So funny!

Afton said...

Oh this was a treat! Was this the end of your exercise routine?

b said...

This just made me laugh...and that is a very good thing.

I was so interested in your comment on Paisley's blog about the string theory...I am with you. I think I get it. Then I try to talk about it and I sound like a idiot! Sigh!

b

Stan Ski said...

I've paid money to watch teams embarrass themselves in front of thousands.

Sweet Talking Guy.. said...

Yeah, you're a good sport, recalling this!

I remember I slept in the cellar once and it was the only night it flooded in twenty years.

anthonynorth said...

Brilliant! Although I find dreams much safer.

Marbel said...

Oh, that is so funny!

Whitesnake said...

Oh I will comment properly when I stop laughing........

latree said...

always about weight and shape.. haha..

Geraldine said...

Now this is a hoot! A story by the way that I can relate too. Thanks for the best laugh I've had in a looooooooooooooong time.

Hugs and Happy Valentine's, G

Jay said...

ROFL!! See? I knew there was a good reason I didn't exercise today!

Jeff W Bach said...

No one laughed until now that is.

Bwahahahaha

2cats said...

Were you lurking in my yard? I swear you must have been because you described me all too well.

texasblu said...

lol!! Too too funny! :D

linda may said...

That was so funny, I had a good giggle. Well done I loved it.
Reminds me of once when I was at a friends house and she was showing off her new exercise bike and picking up speed when her 5 yr old came in with a broom and stuck it in the spokes. She came to a very sudden stop. He he.

Wildspirit said...

Pat and I watch bullriding...

Roger said...

You know in my line of work I am in a lot of peoples houses installing equipment. I always see a lot of exercise stuff usually in the basement with a inch of dust on them. And ya know what? I have never seen any exercise equipment worn out!

Thanks for the laughs your day got my funny bone going! :D

Ann (bunnygirl) said...

Very funny, and pretty close to the mark for most folks.

desert rat said...

That was wonderful; thanks for making me smile. I especially love that opening line. ;-)

Q said...

Dear Sue,
So hope you are okay...perhaps this is only a very funny story.
I poured a cup of coffee this morning and am spending some time catching up with you. I was only gone for two weeks but it will take me a month to catch up on my chores and delights.
Thank you for the morning laugh.
Namaste,
Sherry

Mary said...

Way too funny! Just goes to show that no good deed goes unpunished.

keiths ramblings said...

Ths is truly wonderful! A treat to read.

Cam said...

Very funny. I could picture it.

Jo said...

I loved this. You do prose so well!

ChefDruck said...

What an amazing post! So beautifully written. So many wonderful images, and then such a comical ending. really enjoyed it.

Anonymous said...

haha- terrific! Many vivid and unusual, yet so familiar...images. A "you tube" is not necessary but Oh, I'd laugh.
In recent months I wrote a list of "insomnia no-nos", one of which was "do not begin your exercise routine in the middle of the night."

-gel